Living with an Alien

So I live in Bali.  I've lived here about 3 years all in all.  Let me tell you something, it doesn't get any easier. 

We all know I traveled.  I spent 10 months with Sarah going from place to place, and I think Sarah would agree we liked Bali the best.   We came three times together throughout our travels and spent a total of about 4 months here.  This was when I met Denny, fell completely in love and gambled everything to move back and be here with him. 

When I told people I was going I got either one of two responses. 

‘Wow you’re so brave’ 

Or

‘Are you crazy?’

My response; probably I am a little of both.  In retrospect you need to be a little crazy and a little brave to just give up your life and move to a place with a completely 180 degree difference in  culture and lifestyle to the one you’re used to. 

Anyway I did it, by myself, and I was fortunate.  Denny’s family were wonderful in taking care of me and treating me as one of their own. 

I figured, I’ll be here a year, just a year.  I was 22 at the time, so a year didn't seem like a big deal, and if it didn't work out at least I’d lived somewhere else and hopefully worked for a year which is an experience. 

I didn't start to work until I had been here for around 5 months.  Things didn't work out the way I planned with Den from the start, but I persevered.  Let this be a lesson to you all; perseverance pays off.  When life is shouting at you you've made a mistake and it’s all going to hell what you planned, keep on going, maybe something better will happen. 

Fortunately things did work out after about 6 months, and now, 2 and a half years later, I am engaged to the man I gave up my life for. 

However it hasn't all been smooth sailing. 
As many of you know our relationship has not been easy. 

Relationships in general are not easy.  Living with someone in general who is from your country, who knows your customs, who speaks the same language as you is not easy.  Throw in a completely opposite culture and someone who speaks your language as their second language and you make things about a million times more difficult.  Anyone who has done this will know exactly what I am talking about.  Anyone close to me will also tell you this. 

For me and Den, add a pinch of his crazy and the way his life is (I won’t explain this now but those of you who know me will know what I mean) and you've got yourself a very complicated relationship cocktail. 

For me this is the first time I have lived with a boy.  So being a rookie always helps spice up a shit mix of complexities.  It’s Denny’s first time to live with a ‘westerner’.  He has lived with girlfriends, hell, he’s been married before, but it’s a very different brew when you mix cultures. 

There have been very very bad times, arguments, fights, misunderstandings the list is endless.  I’m proud to say so far we've made it through.  We still can stand to be around each other.  We still love each other.  There is a part of me that feels his love grow for me every day.  I have loved him pretty much intensely the moment I saw him (you can contact my sister on the details of the moment I saw him; she’ll give you the scoop.) But for Denny his love for me has been slow, and growing, and while I am more accepting and learn quickly he has had a more difficult time finding the balance of compromise and understanding for me and my ways. 

This could be down to his culture.  Here men are kings.  They are born kings in their families, and therefore never learn how to compromise.  The women who marry the men follow the men, and so the women are accomplished at compromise, while the men, they are about 100 years behind everyone else.  It’s not his fault he is like this.  This is the way many Asian cultures are.  I cannot condemn him for being born here and being brought up this way.  Just as he cannot condemn me for wanting our relationship to be an equal compromise, as that is the culture in which I was raised. 

For all the problems we have had he’s done well.  Very well in fact.  I actually count myself quite lucky with him and his family.  Bali is a Hindu island.  Island of the Gods, but Indonesia is largely a Muslim country.  Denny and his family are neither.  They are protestant Christian.  This makes things slightly easier being the UK is a Christian country.  At least we don’t have to add the minefield of religion into our relationship cocktail.

His family are very modern for an Asian family.  His mum has traveled to several countries in Europe, USA, Australia, and Asia.  His dad is always around western people, as his job as a musician, so since an early age Denny grew up with a slightly more open mind about things than most.  I’m lucky his whole family speak English well enough that we can all talk to each other. 

I know people here who are with partners and they don’t have the blessing of either of these things.  They have different religions, their partners or partners Families don’t speak very good English.  I admire the people who have come from different western countries, USA, Aus, UK and they take on their partners’ religions and customs, they live with their partners’ families despite the language barrier, and they thrive.  It’s hard enough for me having a relationship without these added barriers, and yet my friends here have overcome them. 

Denny’s family are open and they have shown me respect from where I am from.  Simple things, that you wouldn't even realize is an issue unless you've lived the situation out here. 

I’ll give you a slight example.  I know this woman who is from Australia.  I don’t know her well, but I've chatted with her a few times.  She told me this story that was putting a huge strain on her and her husband. 

His family are what they would call ‘village people’ here.  No that doesn't mean they perform the  YMCA.  It means they have a very strong Balinese culture and know very little about the western way of life.  It’s possible they had never even met a western person before this woman married one of their children.  He was a musician and as far as I know that is how he met his wife. 
They were attempting to buy a house here.  They needed to save, and after a lot of bad luck, it became almost impossible for them to do this.  The woman was already at her wits end.  They had been living in his family’s home for some time but the mother in law, apparently had no sense of what privacy or personal space was.  Every time this woman went shopping and brought it home the mother in law would look through the bags.  If she was in her bedroom, even if she was undressing the mother in law would come in without knocking.  

Like I said I didn’t know this woman well, so I don’t know about other factors adding to their problems, but I recently found out they are getting a divorce. 

It is difficult and I give this woman credit that she lasted as long as she did.  I have lived with Denny’s mum and while I love her I need my space.  Just as I have a much better relationship with my own mum when I don’t live with her, even though I adore her to death. 

In our society we take this space, this privacy somewhat for granted.  If we don’t want to live with our folks anymore and we have the wherewithal to do so we move out.  We are not condemned or talked about if we live with our partners and we are unmarried.  

Here,traditionally, the man usually stays at home and looks after the parents.  It’s almost like a pension.  Instead of saving money all your life to give up work and live comfortably, you raise your children, hopefully have a son, who when the time comes that you are unable to work anymore the son works and looks after you and his family in the home.  It’s nice in a way, to be able to do that.  The women are the ones who leave their families, their religions if they are from a different religion and like I said before, follow the man.  It can’t be easy, and we as a western society have not been brought up to look after our elderly in this way.  We pack our folks off to the old people home as fast as possible, and visit once a week for an hour or two if they’re lucky. 

Denny’s family isn't really like this though.  Which suits me.  I love his family, but I need space.  It’s difficult enough learning Denny’s ways without throwing more people into the mix.  I like to do things my way, and while I have learned a great deal of tolerance here, there’s only so much you could take. 

I think it’s a great thing to learn about a different culture which is such a huge change to what you’re used to.  It opens your mind and frees you in some ways from the safe bubble you have been wrapped up warm in your whole lives.  I learn something new every day here.  It’s not to say I completely 100% agree with everything they think and do, but I can accept and appreciate it for whatever it is.  As difficult as it may be at times. 

As a lot of you know we are about to start our second attempt at gaining Denny a visa to visit the UK.  I would love him to just see it.  See the differences, in the streets, the traffic, the shopping, the public transport, what we watch on TV, experience Christmas in the UK, even see snow if he’s lucky.  He won’t like every single thing there, and he will sure as hell miss certain things from here.  It would be nice for him to be able to understand my culture as much as I have tried to understand his.