Life as an ocean

Why does life have to always be so hard?  Is it life or is it us? Do we make it this hard?

I keep thinking I’m young, sure it shouldn't be this hard this quick? I’m not married, no kids no mortgage payments, so why am I bitching? Isn't it just going to get worse? MORE responsibilities, MORE work, MORE money needed.   How does everyone deal with that?  It literally scares me shitless. 

Maybe it’s just me.  I came to be with a man who lives in a ‘third world’ country.  The wages are poor compared to back home.  Yeh I live OK, rent an OK place, pay the bills alright, keep two people alive.  But being away from home brings its own problems on top of those regular ‘life is shit’ problems.  I've talked about this before a little. 

I never seem to be happy where I am for too long.  I wasn't happy in the UK so I left.  I’m starting not to be happy here so I want to be back home.  I want to earn real money, which admittedly would probably lead me in the same situation as here as better money than here in the UK is pretty shit over there. 

Why does everything run on money?  Why are flights expensive?  Why is bringing one person to a country so damn hard and expensive? 

I've never really been one of those people that expected life to fall on its ass and serve its self up on a silver plate with all the trimmings. I've understood the need to work hard for what you want.  I just didn't expect life to make me work this hard and keep throwing so many obstacles in the way. 

One of the only things I've ever wanted in life was love.  Sounds corny right?  Sorry folks, I’m one of those people.  I can’t explain it but I needed it.  Now I've got it I guess I didn't expect it to be so hard either.  There’s a lot of time I really just hate Denny.  I want to scream at him, hurt him and tell him he’s a moron.   There is no one I love more than him though, and yet I just can’t help but be horrible/want to be more horrible.  How fucked up is that? Surely it’s not normal? Is it?  I figured if it was the right person it’d be simple.  Is that naive? About 90% of the time I am sure he is the person I want to be with.  The 10% that isn't sure is because there are so many obstacles that make it hard.  I have never once given up on him, and I've never questioned how much I love him, but I am finding myself questioning how much I can go through.  And trust me, I feel horrible for admitting that. 

I’d rather fight with him than love anyone else. 

Sometimes I feel like life is suffocating me.  I have this metaphor I like to use to think of happiness.  It applies to just you, singular, or a couple.  

Imagine life is the ocean.  Happiness is being able to breathe above the surface.  The waves just keep coming; the tide just keeps dragging you down, deeper and deeper trying to drown you in life’s misery.  Happiness isn't a place you get to and sit there comfortably with a cold beer in one hand and a nice breeze passing over you in the sunshine.  Happiness out of life is a constant struggle to keep swimming upwards for air.  When you’re a couple and one of you is unhappy, when one tried to make the other happy they’re not only fighting the weight of life, they have you in their arms and trying to pull you up.  If the miserable one in the relationship isn't trying to get to happiness themselves, it’s like they’re either a dead weight getting heavier and heavier to pull up to the surface.   

Get the point? I've been each person in this scenario.  The singular, the one swimming, and the dead weight.   It just seems for me right now, there’s never a calm on the surface so I can enjoy breathing above the water for a little while. 

I don't want to complain, or be like a petulant child.  Plenty of people are worse off, don't have what I have.  I should be grateful for what I have.  

Just sometimes when that wave comes and all your energy is drained you need to scream about it before you find that extra pocket of energy to keep on swimming.